Because WCW could pretty much do anything at this point, it’s Too Long, Didn’t Watch: Bash at the Beach 1997
- The video package intro was short, but ok to hype up main event. And only the main event, it mentioned nothing else.
- Video had some kind of weird echo. No idea why.
- Tony Schiavone and Bobby Heenan look like Jimmy Buffet’s grandfather and his “roommate”
- Dusty Rhodes just put a lei over a black shirt, like a guy at a Hawaiian funeral.
- 3 man booth adds Mike Tenay because WCW employed everyone
Glacier/Ernest Miller vs. Mortis/Wrath
- Glacier looks like Glacier, Ernest Miller looks like some kind of 70s Kung Fu pimp
- WCW ring was small. Not British “two grown men in a play pen” small, but noticeable
- Miller does a springboard into the ring where he basically steps on Wrath’s shoulder
- Wrath took a bump
- Wrath pulls out a green chair from under the ring, something I’ve never seen before.
-
Miller’s offense is 99% kicks.
Then 1% more kicks.
- Glacier is undefeated. No one cares.
- He immediately loses. No one cares.
- Slow-mo replay shows Mortis knockout Glacier with a kick to the chest. Alright
- DDP in doing a live chat (remember those?) for WCWwrestling.com sitting next to a 14 year old with a fake ID
Cruiserweight Title
Chris Jericho (c) vs. Ultimate Dragon
- Jericho wearing tights that would make David Lee Roth reconsider
I mean, look at them
- Tenay for this match made sense
- The infamous late 90s laser pointer makes an appearance in this match
- Jericho whiffed a dropkick on the top rope. Dragon sells it.
- Mean Gene looks like a butler on his day off.
- Shills for the hotline because money.
- Then talks to Raven.
- Not sure which is worse.
- Raven says a lot of words that mean basically nothing.
- He then smacked around Stevie Richards.
- Raven, not Mean Gene.
Not that he wasn’t tempted
The Steiner Brothers vs. Masa Chono/Great Muta
- A one time camera angle that can only be called Crab Cam. Look it up
- The Steiners Brothers are facing Muta and Chono because Nash was busy impersonating Sting 2 hours later
- Muta has nWo logo as his face paint, technically making it blackface.
Tell me I’m wrong
- Japan was still being referred to as “the Orient”
- Chono has what I can only refer to as a Starter Mullet. The party hasn’t gotten into full effect, but it’s definitely started.
Camper sold separately
- Chono goes to the outside to yell at a fan. Both are speaking different languages, yet continue to argue.
-
Muta does a middle rope Frankensteiner on Scott Steiner and lives to tell the tale
Six Man Lucha Car Crash
Pic unrelated
Psychosis, La Parka, and Villano IV vs. Lizmark Jr, Juventud Guerrera, and Hector Garza
- Tenay explains rudos and technicos in Mexico and tells you who is who in the match…convenient.
- None of these men are El Dandy
Damnit!
- Overly complicated spot abandoned, then Villano IV just falls off the top rope
Him
- Then from out of nowhere, Villano V interferes and the ref doesn’t notice
He didn’t check the tights
- Hector Garza pins Villano V
- The Villanos were such jobbers that one of them could lose matches they weren’t even in.
Kevin Sullivan vs. Chris Benoit
- Two guys, one of whom is kind of the boss and the other guy who took his wife, kick the hell out of each other for money
- Like Fight Club with divorce papers
- Benoit threw Jacqueline at Sullivan. Picked her up and threw her at him.
- They partially destroy the Bash at the Beach set
They destroyed a fake beach!
- Sullivan tries to hit Benoit with a tiki bar while Benoit successfully knocks over a lifeguard stand containing Jimmy Hart. All of that is true
- This was a fight, a believable fight
- Benoit probably got 3 of his concussions in this match alone.
- They made it back to the ring eventually. And they actually stayed there
- Previous matches made it all the way to the men’s room. You know you have a grudge when you’re whipping a guys ass in the bathroom
- Jacqueline hits Sullivan with those weird wooden chairs WCW always had, then Benoit hit him with a flying headbutt he’d grow to forget.
They always had these
- Sullivan officially retires, dashing any hopes of a Dungeon of Doom reunion
US Title
Jeff Jarrett (c) vs. Steve McMichael w/Queen Debra
Oh joy!
- Jeff Jarrett wearing his Redneck Chippendale outfit walks out to a wave of indifference
That’s the one
- They doing angle where Jarrett trying to be Horsemen. Flair wanted him but no one else did.
- In real life, no one wanted him.
- He used to tag with McMichael, then Jarrett turned on Mongo, so now they’re fighting each other. You’re caught up
- McMichael chokes Jarrett with his stupid suspenders, which served him right
Damn right!
- Jarrett does his best making McMichael look good, but his offense is 70% punches and closelines
- Ref had to pretend not hear two briefcase shots before counting pin.
- Debra turns on husband and ends up with Jarrett
I’m sensing a pattern
- Mean Gene shills for hotline again then Road Wild
Then this happened
- Hollywood Hogan and Dennis Rodman do promo hyping main event.
Almost as good as the actual promo
- Rodman wearing a straw sunhat and pajama pants like only he could.
- He also had on glittery face paint because of course he did
Scott Hall & Randy Savage vs. DDP/Curt Hennig
- Curt Hennig turns on DDP just because and leaves.
- Savage and Hall win. That’s it.
- They play this free agent stuff for months until he joins the Horsemen…then immediately turns on them and becomes nWo member #46
Ric Flair vs. Roddy Piper
- Long time friends/enemies/both at the same time and Billionaire Ted sketch in real life Ric Flair and Roddy Piper have a match on pay per view in 1997.
- The two take turns using cheap shots on each other. They do it so much, you’d think it was a Best Of montage.
- At some point, the match just becomes two middle aged men smacking each other around while people cheer.
- Ric Flair goes to the top rope and, guess what, it doesn’t work
No, really?
- A Ric Flair vs. Roddy Piper match is broken up by Steve McMichael. Nothing about that feels right
- Mark Curtis calls for the bell like he’s the drummer for Rush
- Michael Buffer is here to drag out some consonants and get paid an obscene amount
“Lllllllet’s get ready to profiiiiiiit!”
- He calls Luger’s finish the “Rack of doom”. He calls The Giant just Giant. No one knows why.
Hollywood Hogan/Dennis Rodman vs. Lex Luger/Giant
- Dennis Rodman doesn’t even bother taking off his sunglasses
And why would he?
- Someone in the crowd is screaming so loud, I assume she was being murdered
- The camera focuses on Dennis Rodman’s agent, who got the hookup of what looks like the 8th row. Ya know, like a big shot.
- Lex Luger standing next to Hollywood Hogan looks like someone just stepped out of a time machine then knocked on his own front door.
- Dennis Rodman tags in, sunglasses and all. He avoids contact with Luger like it was finals practice.
- Rodman arm drags Lex Luger and half the building climaxed. Including Tony Schiavone.
- He then gets arm dragged out his bandana and sunglasses. Glitter paint and hair dye remain intact.
Thank god!
- Rodman has done a total of 4 moves and he’s already blown up.
- Rodman does a leapfrog and a shoulder block. The rest of the building finishes. Dusty Rhodes lights a cigarette.
- Hollywood Hogan chokes Giant in the corner, proving once and for all the business is a work.
- Dennis Rodman learns quickly there are no fouls in wrestling.
- Giant spanks Dennis Rodman in the middle of the ring.
- Rodman secretly liked it.
- Hollywood Hogan tries to hiptoss the 500 pound Giant. To be fair, he’s tried to do crazier things.
Like this
- The obligatory fake Sting attack occurs.
- Announcers pretend it’s actually Sting even though he’s wearing a plastic Sting mask and appears to be 7 feet tall.
Who could it be?
- Lex Luger wins the match then racks everyone short of Rodman’s agent.
- The show ends with actual TV credits for production crew. One of their cameramen is just named Gunner.
Exploder 