TLDW Money In The Bank 2020

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Because Vince McMahon wants to destroy Titan Towers one more time, it’s Too Long, Didn’t Watch: Money In The Bank

  • The pre-show continues to happen, for some reason
  • The New Day retain the Tag Team Titles because the sun came up this morning. Copy and paste this next month.

You don’t know what year this is and neither do I

  • Bobby Lashley manages to defeat R Truth without an ounce of charisma rubbing off on him
  • Baron Corbin shoots a phone promo. It delivered what it promised

This. On a phone.

  • “Karen haircut” Bayley and Sasha Banks continue to tease their (second) bff breakup
  • Tamina gets the same amount of cheers she’d get if the crowd was actually there
  • Bayley heel trash talking is like being yelled at by a kitten

She wants to see all the managers

  • Tamina uses so many superkicks she’s trying to be one of the Young Bucks
  • Buy WWE shit now!

CLEARANCE!

  • Total Bellas is still a thing. “Yay”
  • Seth Rollins continues to look like a Serbian coke dealer in a Liam Neeson movie

He’d be dead by the second act

  • Nightmare Schizo vs. Bearded Muscle Man is next
  • Will be good to see Bray Wyatt in a match that doesn’t look like a drug trip
  • Without a live crowd, Bray Wyatt’s entrance comes off as really pedophile-y

Guess who has to register at the courthouse?

  • Technically, Bray Wyatt is managed by puppets. Let that sink in.
  • Braun Strowman yells like someone is trying to remove a bullet from his shoulder with a pocket knife
  • Strowman plays dress up then kills pedophile Bray Wyatt
  • Someone hacks a live pay per view using the power of stock footage

Sami Callihan is too busy

  • Seth Rollins’ entrance reminds me of something that would start a Vegas magic show
  • Who are these guys posing for?
  • Samoa Joe reminds us that too many shots to the head are bad. Thanks, professor.

What?!

  • Seth Rollins isn’t heavy enough to break the announce table
  • Rollins is getting the business from a referee that’s barely taller than the top rope
  • Drew McIntyre retains. Seth Rollins has to go back to dealing blow or whatever he does to justify that jacket.

Seriously, is it heroin?

  • That WWE game where they look like dwarves is still coming out. So there’s that.
  • Buy more WWE shit!

I’m sure someone will buy this

  • R Truth is the most delusional wrestler not named Ryback
  • The Undertaker “when will he ever retire?” tour continues

“Back during the New Generation…”

  • WWE gets ready to start their first office building riot since 1995, it’s Money in the Bank in the Headquarters
  • Ugh…Corbin is still wearing the king getup

Still

  • There’s a 60% chance Otis is going to try and eat Rey Mysterio before this is over
  • Cameraman gets into elevator before Asuka does
  • Ever seen the movie Smokin’ Aces? This applies here.

Modern classic

  • With a special appearance by Brother Love.

Wait, what!?

  • This is the second most fighting in an elevator I’ve ever seen. I mean, I’ve been to Las Vegas before.
  • $100 to the first guy who destroys Vince McMahon’s office
  • The worst looking Doink I’ve ever seen rears his ugly head

And that’s saying something

  • Say what you want, but this shit doesn’t happen at Google

Anymore…

  • WWE has a decoy Money in the Bank briefcase, apparently
  • Dana Brooke gets taken out by a poster. Yeah, that’s right.
  • AJ Styles goes hunting for Rey Mysterio, forgetting the goal is to GET TO THE TOP OF THE BUILDING

Here

  • He then gets punked out by an undertaker poster.
  • We can also see his flashbacks.
  • Titan Towers also has a casket room.

And why wouldn’t they?

  • Paul Heyman enjoys a solitary meal at the previously closed Titan Towers. This goes terribly for him.
  • The men and the women start fighting each other because why the hell not at this point?
  • Nia Jax and Otis almost breaks out into a hot dog eating contest, but we’re mercifully saved from that

Kinda this, but not

  • Otis pies Johnny Ace. Stan Hansen rolls over in his non-grave.
  • Asuka yells at Mark, the one janitor who was never told what’s going on and has been working this whole time
  • AJ Styles and Daniel Bryan have to split $100

No dinosaurs were harmed in the making of this match

  • 20 minutes goes by before someone gets the idea to…go to the roof. You know, the point of the match.
  • Asuka actually wins something

It’s been a while

  • Baron Corbin and Aleister Black argue over who has more unnecessary tattoos

Black won

  • Otis wins the Money in the Bank because…ya know what? Sure.

Don’t hate the player…

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